Blue
by meoe
Summary: Phan. Dan and Phil on their teenage years ore meeting each other. Dan and Phil while they live together. It follows a similar format of "Maybe mental isn't so bad" by Nicholelovesphan. She is really good, you should check out her stuff too.
1. Chapter 1

On high school I slept with quite a lot of girls, sometimes I banged them without even knowing their names. I know, I'm horrible.

If I had to choose between all of them... the ones that are stuck in my memory are four.

It all started on first year of high school. At that time I assisted to a boarding school. Everyone there liked me, even though I didn't like them back and I had no friends.

The first one was Amber, she not only was the first one I had sex with but she also took my drug virginity.

She was the school's slut, everyone said things about her like she escaped every night to have sex with strangers at the nastiest pubs around, that she fucked with girls too, that she was an alcoholic... all kind of rumors.

She had wavy white bleached hair, huge tits and an awesome ass.

I felt sympathy for her. I knew the rumors about her were false because they said similar things about me, that I had been in at least five menage de trois, that I had fucked the principal's daughter. All those things made me laugh because, at that time I was a virgin but I didn't bother in correct them. It felt nice that everyone thought I was like sex god.

So, back to her... One day, she approached to me while I was picking all my stuff after the class ended. She asked me if I wanted to hang out with her that evening, making really obvious she wanted me to fuck her. We agreed to meet outside her room at seven.

When the time arrived, I knocked and she let me in. She took a mint like metal package and put them in her bag.

We sneaked out of the school, we were kissing while we did so. When we reached the woods near the school, she opened the mint package and took out a small paper square, placed it on the tip of her tongue and then kissed me until it was gone. We kept walking in silence until we reached a small pond. She sat down and I followed.

She kissed me harder she had done that whole evening, our tongues danced and danced. At some point, she had taken off her shoes and her feet were in my butt. I broke the kiss and lied her down, I took her school shirt and started unbuttoning it from down to up. I licked and kissed her abdomen, just to pretend I knew what I was doing, she opened my shirt too. My hand made it's way under her skirt, I pulled her panties off. She undid my belt and zipper, still kissing me.

I found my wallet and took out a condom, as I rolled it down, she got next to me and whispered "Dan, I'm a virgin..." That made me smile, I nibbled my way to her ear and whispered "Me too".

She smiled and sat on my lap, I introduced myself inside her.

On her face I only saw pain the first seconds until she adjusted to my lenght and size. After that expression disappeared from her face, I began to thrust lightly, increasing speed slowly.

Her tits were bouncing in my face, with her shirt unbuttoned but still on, she wasn't wearing a bra.

We were still practically clothed. She had her ridiculously short skirt, shirt and cardigan. I had my trousers, my shirt, my cardigan and my tie. Basically our school uniforms. I didn't want to get completely naked in an unknown forest, I guess she thought the same way.

While she bounced over my dick, I sucked one of her nipples and with my hand, caressed her butt.

I lied down and let her keep on top. I liked the way her breasts jumped just right in my face and the way she bit her lip to keep her from screaming.

By that time the LSD we ate before leaving the school was starting to kick in.

Her blonde hair made me believe I was fucking the moon and the ground was the sky. The stars were closer than ever. It was nice except the fact that the acid, hot me a bit paranoid. Every noise I heard meant danger, when I heard footsteps I turned my head. I saw three guys from school across pond. After then I got it all clear.

Those guys went to that pond every Friday. She liked one of those guys. I had noticed how she acted all clumsy when he was near by, she wanted him to notice how hot she was or something like that.

She noticed them too. She started to moan like crazy... If she wanted them to watch I certainly would entertain them.

I was about to cum, so I pulled out, took the condom off and made a gesture meaning that I wanted a boob job. She took my dick between her tits and began to masturbate me with them. I came in her mouth, she pulled me down for a kiss, tasting myself.

She wasn't done, so I went down on her. Licking her wet pussy and fingering her asshole too. She was moaning, calling my name.

I guess I behaved that way because of the acid. I'd never treated a girl like that; like she was a whore. Maybe it was because I thought that was what she wanted. I really don't know what happened that night.

When we were done, I was still tripping, so it was really hard for me to get back to the school. Apparently she was in her five senses, she led me back to my room.

The next day, everyone knew we fucked. After a week she was dating the boy she fancied. I sorta did her a favor, I guess... it was obvious the guy wanted her just for sex, but she was silently grateful towards me. One day, I was exiting a classroom and I saw her hugging the guy. She raised the head, looked at me, with those beautiful greyish blue eyes of hers and winked. After that we never had any type of contact again.

_Hey! The author here. I just wanted to make clear that English is not my first language, so... if there are semantic it grammar mistakes please point them out. And yes, this is going to develop into phan. Also, you are awesome... don't know why really, but you are. I thought you would like to hear it. :)_


	2. Chapter 2

_Hey! The author here :) _

_This chapter is waaaaaay fluffier than the last one but... still, quite smutty. It is Phil's p.o.v of some sort. (the first one was Dan's but I guess you already knew that)._

_Also, I love when you write music inside the story or what you were listening when you wrote it. I think is great! So, for this chapter I would suggest you listen to this little song; it is by Cults and it's called "Never heal myself". Don't go in too much depth in the lyrics though, they are a bit break up-ish. _

_Anyway, hope you like what is following_

Her name was Claire. She looked like the girl from "Toy Story 3", in fact, when I watched the movie I freaked out a little. The same brown, short and curly hair. Huge hazel eyes with same the innocent look. The pink lips always with a goofy smile. But mostly they were similar in the big heart that made them care about everyone.

We had been friends since kindergarten, next door neighbors and our parents worked in the same hospital. So, even if we didn't want to, we were always together.

She always helped everyone. She liked animals more than I do (she got us to volunteer at the local animal shelter when we were twelve and always argued with her dad whenever she took an animal home and he didn't let her keep it. At some point she got to own three dogs, an old cat, four kittens and a dove, all of them rescued from the streets.)

Everyone liked her. Her sense of humor was soft and innocent. When she was in the room the atmosphere was calmer.

I was her best friend and she was mine.

When we were fourteen, her mum died from cancer. Everyone was really sad because she was just as nice as Claire. At those times, she was really melancholic but she never stopped caring about the others, in fact she cared a lot more.

By the time we were seventeen, her dad had turned into a workaholic, he worked even three days in a row at the hospital. Claire didn't liked being at her house alone so I slept over almost everyday. Sometimes we slept in her bed, cuddling. More often, we would fell asleep watching soap operas in the big grey couch that was in her living room, always cuddling. I loved feeling how her heartbeat slowed down and her breathing turned heavier when she got at the doors of dreamland.

One day we were hanging out in a natural park near our houses, when it started to rain, a lot. At first, we started to dance in that monsoon rain, just enjoying life, having fun, and... I kissed her, she kissed back and then said "Come in Phil, let's go home."

We hanged out in her house more often than we did in mine. Hers was silent and calm, we could be by ourselves without anyone bothering, it was home for both of us.

When we got there, soaking wet, she took my hand and led me to the bathroom. I took off her clothes and she took off mine. She was only in her simple cotton underwear, her nipples were clearly visible through her bra, perky because of the cold weather and, I want to believe, because she was aroused. I kissed her softly after she gave me a worried look. Shaking, we got into the shower, still kissing but without underwear. She was so tiny! I lifted her, her legs were around my waist and her arms did the same in my neck. She was playing with my hair as we kissed. When I placed her back in the tile floor, she put my hand on one of her almost inexistent breasts, I caressed it. My other hand made its way to her back, I caressed it gently too. She kissed my chest shyly while she hugged me. I rested my chin on her head. We stood on the shower, kissing, until the water ran cold. When we got out, I gave her the only towel that was around, she pecked me and then hugged me, trying to get me dry. We went to her room and lied on her bed, smiling, our sights in the other's eyes for minutes that felt like eternity. I pecked her and then got on top of her. Before I introduced myself into her, she gave me the same look she gave me a little earlier. I kissed her cheek. She whispered "I love you" to what I responded "With all my heart". She opened her legs and I went between them. I thrusted gently and slowly. Her goofy smile was still on her face while she moaned softly and while she held her bedsheets so hard her knuckles turned white. She tilted her head backwards in pleasure. I was happy thinking that I finally was with the girl I had loved through all my early years.

During all of it, we whispered each other sweet things. It felt caring, yet passionate. Soft but hot. A prove of how much we trusted each other. I finished. She finished.

Then sleep took advantage of us.

Her dad got home, he saw us cuddling naked on our sleep. He didn't got mad, instead he covered us with a blanket and went to sleep.

He knew I was a nice guy. He knew she loved me. He wasn't worried.

I woke up next to her as I used to and kissed her forehead. It felt nice.

Whoever, a month after that (and only two more times we had sex), her father decided he was sick of the life he had. They moved to the countryside with some relatives of theirs. She wasn't pleased with the idea but didn't want to upset her dad. "He's tired" she used to say.

Claire and I talked on the phone frequently, it wasn't the same. Time and distance laughed in or faces. The phone calls were less and less frequent until they didn't exist anymore.

I Can't deny I missed her, but I kept living as normal as I could. I guess she did the same.

Eventually, she vanished from my life.


	3. Chapter 3

_I would suggest listening to: Javiera Mena "luz de piedra luna"_

*Dan's P.O.V.*

I've been living with Phil for about a year now. It's nice, Phil is someone I feel I can blindly trust, he is fun and we like similar stuff. He's a bit messy, but I already knew that.

After lunch I asked if he was busy, he responded that not quite so. I wanted him to help me bring home a quite big package I ordered online for my mum. After that horrible Odyssey we felt like getting drunk. We went out to a bar close from our building. Phil offered to get our drinks.

Phil is really nice. He is so caring and full of joy. I was staring at him from a table in the corner; He was waiting for our drinks and daydreaming when a humongous guy started chatting with him, obviously flirting. Phil smiled and chatted back.

I knew Phil was bi. He never actually came out to me, back in the day, when we were just starting to hang out; he had a boyfriend. That didn't last long though, they broke up after a month. That's why I was really confused about him not flirting with guys but girls. He later confessed that, for him, it was easier to hook up with girls because He gets really awkward when he's around a guy he finds attractive. It looked like on these years he had overcome his fears. The man he was talking to was, in fact, really attractive but Phil acted like he was with my motherfucking high school math tutor who was bald, fat and had the looks of a gremlin. The guy was at least 6,3 ft tall. Blonde hair, combed to a hipster do. He was tan and muscular. He managed to pull out quite naturally and nicely a lot the of hipster tendencies: ridiculously short skinny Jeans, plaid shirt with a bow tie, big glasses, grandpa hat and converse. He was bearded and had small gauges.

"Are you waiting for someone?" said a female voice. It belonged to an Asian girl with American accent that was standing behind me.

"I am, but it looks like my friend is flirting" I answered pointing at Phil. She smiled and sat next to me.

"Oh! That's too bad!" she said with fake sadness and continued "You can flirt with me while you wait." I gave her a half smile and we continued talking.

By the time Phil got to the table with his latest conquest, she had her legs over mine and I had my arm around her shoulders.

About twenty minutes after, Phil and the boy excused themselves and went to his apartment. The girl and I got a bit drunker and then I took her to the flat.

Just as I closed the door, she started taking off her clothes. The way we got to my bed is completely unknown for me. Like a blink I was fucking this American backpacker. She had a perfect body, no tummy, firm legs, firm ass and nice tits. She moved incredibly and was an awesome kisser, but for some reason I wasn't into her until I noticed her long and straight black hair and pale skin... and it reminded me of Phil. The weirdest thing about it was that the thought of my best friend turned me on more than the beautiful girl was inside at that very moment.

Trying to please her, because honestly I was just lame, being just on top of her, I fucked her harder but with Phil in my mind.

When I woke up she wasn't there, but Phil was.

"She left a note saying she had to catch a train early but that was amazing, you "great fucker"." said Phil mockingly.

*Phil's P.O.V.*

As I talked to the most gorgeous man I had seen in my life, I glanced where Dan was sitting, worried about him being alone and bored because I was too busy flirting. To my surprise he was already snogging with a random girl he had just met. I sighed. I like Dan, he's great and an amazing friend but I don't like his sexual behavior. He will have sex with any girl he fancies without hesitation and more importantly, just for the sake of having sex. No love, no interest, nothing but empty carnal attraction. I like to tease him every time he sleeps with someone by asking her name. He never knows it. Another thing I find quite worrying is that he has been that way since he was fifteen. In his whole life he only has had one girlfriend and she broke up with him because he cheated; several times. The rest of his sexual life has been a libertine lifestyle. I know it's non of my business, but...

Max and I hanged out a little with Dan and his prey but we left quickly.

Max's apartment was messy and full of stuff. Art on every wall and loads of vinyl records.

Max and I talked about ourselves a little more. Then he talked about this vinyl record he owned of an experimental orchestra from the sixties, I talked about youtube.

After more talking and organic tea, we started kissing. His huge and muscular arms felt so good around his my waist. His warm chest against my was nice. His lips on mine felt prefect. After we got naked, I realized how big his body really was. He went down on me, making moan a bit. It was my turn. I took all his incredibly long member in my mouth, gaging a bit. His hands were in my head, playing with my hair, moaning and breathing hardly. I'm that amazing. We kept making out with my finger on his entrance, that's when I realized another important thing.

"Do you want me to be bottom? So you don't have to... I don't mind." I mumbled awkwardly

"No, I want to take it from you. You look like a nice guy to lose my anal virginity. I'm curious" he said so in such a serious face it made me giggle inside, then he gave a speech about how bisexuality is just human nature.

I kept fingering him until he was ready and then introduced on his asshole. I thrusted lightly, his awesome ass in front of me. My hands on his shoulders. He was shivering, so I kissed his back and whispered things onto his ear so he could relax a bit. His heart was beating so fast it felt like it wanted to come out of his chest.

"Ha ha! Really funny, you douche." said Dan grabbing the note I was handing to him.

"Anyway... how it went with mister Huge and you last night?" he asked.

"Terribly"

his jaw dropped and then said "Did miss Huge got home and find you fucking her husband?"

"ok, It wasn't THAT bad but still pretty bad. He was first time bicurious and didn't like it... and that's a pity, because he is just too nice to be true."


	4. Chapter 4

_Hey! For this chapter I would suggest listening to: "Bathwater" by No doubt._

After the whole Amber incident, the girls at school started to show more interest on me. Sometimes they where subtle, sometimes they were not. Sometimes I did fuck them, sometimes I didn't.

I considered most of them useless or really really dumb, so most of the time I would have sex with them once and never again.

Except Simone.

Simone was the cliche "good girl". She got the highest grades, she never got to the principal's office or detention. I liked that, but I liked her for several reasons.

She wasn't chasing me like most girls, in fact, I'm pretty sure she wasn't into me that much at first.

I met her when a teacher forced her to be my partner in a biology project. Later I found out that she was Amber's roommate too. When we went to the school's library to get the project done, we found out we were into the same things. She was funny, witty and super sarcastic. That night, after finishing our greatly done assignment, We wanted to keep hanging out a little more so, she showed me a way to get in the main building's rooftop. We made out there, under a bright full moon. She looked absolutely gorgeous in that light. Her lips were soft and her hands magical. Her hair made me want to lose myself in it. And In that same moment, kissing her, after we just spoke a few hours for the first time, I realized I had fallen in love with her.

She was so smart and had such a strong personality I was impressed. She standed out while all the other girls, that kind of melted into one, a really dull one.

I liked that she didn't fit in the "good girl" stereotype at all once you got to knew her, even though she was a golden star student, she was shy and didn't had that many friends. It showed a after we started to fuck, because if one stereotype fitted her, was the one that says shy girls are the naughtiest.

She did everything wonderfully. It felt good being inside her. She was really experienced. When I asked her about that she said she had been fucking since she was twelve with one of his brother's mates. He was 22 (a bit pedo and date rapey if you ask me).

She showed me so many positions and ways to do it.

She had the kinkiest ideas too, like the time when we did it on our biology lab after class or when she made me watch a porn dvd while she blowed me.

My favorite, without a doubt was the time we had a quickie on the school's library, when we almost got caught by Miss Plummbun, the frigid fifty-year-old librarian. It was practically empty apart from her and us. We entered, holding hands and cynically said good morning to her and then asked for some books. She indicated some aisles, we chose the farest. I lifted Simone against the wall, kissing her. She, somehow, pulled my zipper down while kissing my neck and moaning lightly on my ear. She took out my dick and, With her legs around my waist, I got my hand under her skirt and pulled her underwear to the side, fingering her and then introducing myself. She kissed me aggressively, almost feral. She, bouncing on top of me, I thrusting against her. When I was about to cum, she got in her knees and gave my head some cat licks before taking me in her mouth. She swallowed everything. That was an orgasm that I hardly did silently. I was pulling my zipper up w when we heard the heavy steps of the librarian approaching. The place smelled like sex, we were breathing hardly, recovering from our orgasms, our cheeks beet red. She stared at us, understanding what had happened, pissed she didn't had a way to prove it so we could get punished.

But it wasn't just sex. She was my first friend on that school. We could talk for hours. Sometimes about silly things, sometimes about deep stuff like politics, philosophy or our existential crisis. We laughed, we cried, we did everything together. She really understood me. I tried to understand her too, but it was really hard. She was incredibly complicated.

When people started noticing we hanged out quite frequently they started to show their disappointment, like it was their business. Teachers said I was corrupting her (when in fact was the other way round). Girls started saying mean things about her, full of jealousy. Guys were pissed at me. "You could bang any girl at the school and you go and bang the ugly nerdy one!" said a douche one time.

She was, in fact, quite nerdy but Simone wasn't ugly at all.

She had long auburn hair, a tiny pointy nose, pale freckled skin, pink and plumpy lips that gave the sexiest half smile in this whole universe and an awesome body. Her eyes squinted a bit, that's why people picked on her but her eyes were, apart from her personality, what I liked the most of her. They were mostly blue, with brown around the pupil. The blue part was a pure blue, just like my mum's. There were no shades of grey or green on them; just blue and nothing more. They made me go crazy.

She was the first girl that I really wanted as a girlfriend and truly loved but when I asked her, she turned me down. She was scared of relationships, she thought I understood it, apparently I ruined what we had. She backed off. After that we barely spoke. She ignored me and I moved on slowly.

That's how I lost the very first girl I loved and the story of how I met the coolest girl that walked on earth.

Whenever I'm feeling insecure, the thought of her will show up.


	5. Chapter 5

_I recommend listening to: "Sleep alone " by Two door cinema club_

Dennis Chapman was the star on every single sports team at school. It was a surprise when at the middle of basketball season dropped out, everyone was shocked, sports were all he did. He was behaving weird too. He was like a ghost, floating around the halls. He stopped hanging out with his friends, he got paler his cheeks were popping out of his face, he always had been tall and skinny but he was starting to look cadaveric. His wavy chestnut hair got longer and longer. He looked lost and sad.

He wasn't the only one though, since Claire left, school felt empty. I had plenty of friends but I wanted someone to trust completely, to make fools of ourselves, to actually talk and not chat. I jumped from a group of friends to another, sometimes I was by myself. I behaved like the five year-old who cries because his best friend left, I felt stupid but it was exactly what was happening. I was completely alone for the first time in my life.

It Wasn't a surprise when Dennis and I started hanging out. He had been in the same German class as me since forever but we didn't speak that much. He seemed nice but he was busy with his friends and I was with mine.

Once the teacher had to go in the middle of the class, everyone got up to chat and have fun, except for Dennis. I felt bad so I sat next to him. He looked at me with his beautiful grey eyes with curiosity, at first we had an awkward talk but we got along easily, almost like we where meant to be best friends.

After that day neither Dennis nor I were ghosts in the school halls. We had someone we could call friend without being wrong.

We went over to my house to play videogames, we went over to his house to play some sports (or at least I tried to). He discovered he had a natural talent for photography and most importantly that he enjoyed it. After school he would go to parks, malls, stores or any other place trying to find something worthy enough to have it's picture taken. I would go with him, I didn't had that much to do anyways.

If there was something Dennis loved taking pictures of, that were animals. Specially a street cat that lived in the park next to our school. It was fat, grey and fluffy. It often purred and did cute things when we were around. It had the most amazingly yellow eye of all cats ever; yes just one. I thought it was cute but Dennis was practically in love with it.

One time we spent nearly three hours waiting for it to appear because my friend wanted a picture of me holding the cat. We were sitting on a bench on a comfortable silence until:

"Phil?"

"what's up?"

"Have... have you ever thought about how it would feel to kiss a guy?"

"I'm guessing it would be pretty much the same as it is with girls. I never had much thought of it."

That evening my brain was slow and I didn't saw where he was leading the conversation. We stayed silent for another while before:

"Phil?"

"yeah?"

"Do you know why I dropped out from the school team?"

"you had an existential crisis?"

"locker rooms"

"locker rooms? Because are they stinky?"

"yeah... NO! Well they're. But that's not the reason!"

"Then... What was it?"

"I felt uncomfortable. I thought the guys would get mad at me. You'll see... I-I-I'm gay... at least that's what I think... a-and it wasn't like I was staring at the guys naked or anything but who wants to be in the locker room with the gay kid... and I understand if you don't want to hang out with me anymore... I... I just wanted to say it out loud, it was killing me."

I was listening carefully, his face had so many emotions. Fear, relief, nervousness, tranquility, all of them at once. His eyes were expecting me to react. Then I said:

"You are overacting. It is not a big deal. Being gay is as natural as trees. Don't worry about it..."

I paused, His eyes grew wide. I punched him lightly in the shoulder

"...and being bi myself, it would be really hypocritical of me to stop hanging out with you just because of that, you silly."

His eyes were even wider, I didn't thought it could be possible but they were.

"wait... So you like dudes too?"

I laughed.

"I mean, it's not like I'm the queen of the place but it isn't the best kept secret either. I thought you knew!"

By that time, the cat made its appearance, walking softly and calmly. It hopped in my lap, like if it knew what we were pretending. Dennis did his thing, taking a beautiful black and white picture. I was holding the cat, resting my nose on its head, my fringe covering my face, its eye looking at me playfully. I cherish that photo a lot.

After my friend took the picture, I petted the cat a little more and we continued talking. He was so curious.

"Since when you noticed you were bi? How did you realized? How is sex?"

"Calm down, I haven't even kissed a guy. Well, I don't know... When I was a kid I had a crush with my neighbor, he was 16, I was eight. I didn't really thought it as a crush back then, I just wanted him to notice my existence and that he realized I was really cool. Then, I feel in love with Claire. When she left I dreamt about that guy and suddenly I understood. How bout you?"

"Locker rooms... and also, when I lost my virginity with my ex girlfriend I ... I was thinking about a guy"

We kept talking as we walked out the park. The cat had left and it was getting cold.

"We should do something about our v-cards. Don't you think?"

I laughed

"You mean us two... like you and me, sexually?"

He chuckled

"No, no offense dude, but I like you better as a friend. Also, it would be really awkward. I mean we should go meet guys"

"Sounds bout right"


	6. Chapter 6

_Hey! The author here. _

_Thank you so so much for all your reviews, they make my Kristen Stewart face smile :3_

_I would suggest listening to: "Starstrukk" by 3oh!3 but the Marina and the diamonds cover. I just find it way nicer than the original. (not saying that it's bad or anything) _

_Anyways, hope you like the next chapter, which is just below here._

_xx_

Dan's P.O.V.

People usually say Phil's problem was that he loves too much. I have never ever thought of that as a problem. In fact I'm jealous of Phil because of that.

People often say my problem is that I don't give a shit of people who love me. The fact is that I wish I could. It's not I'm biologically impaired when it comes to love like a robot. It's just that I'm scared of doing it, I always keep one foot on the ground. Love is something I'm not used to do, when Phil has always been surrounded of it.

When it comes to people attracted to me, it's more an obsession. Love is not wanting. Love is caring.

Sometimes I feel I'm destined to be alone. To die without knowing why was all the hype was about.

It doesn't help that apparently I choose people who doesn't love me back, or troubled people.

"Dan, are you ok? you look a bit pale?"

That was Phil speaking, always caring.

"I'm just having an off day, that's it" I said smiling.

I've been having an off day since Phil met that Max prick and I had that thing with Miss Anonymous Backpacker. Why she reminded me of Phil? Why the thought of Phil came just in the middle of sex? Why that turned me on?

That's a really easy answer. I like Phil Lester. The problem is that, that fucking answers bring more questions. Since when I like guys? What would Phil think about it? What I'm going to do about it?

All those questions are going to answer themselves eventually, but still, I am worried.

The nearest thing I have as a homosexual encounter is when that brute kissed me and it wasn't pleasant at all, but they were different circumstances. Phil is the extreme opposite of that thing people thought was human.

Phil is caring. Phil is childish. Phil is fun. Phil is amazing. I like his hair. I like the way he smells. I like the way he smiles. I like every single piece of him.

"Dan, are you sure you are ok?"

The saddest thing is that I'm ridiculously glad Max turned to be a complete jerk. It still doesn't mean Phil will hop into my arms, but it gets my hopes up. For all he knows, I'm straight. If he knew that all I want in this world is him. I dream about cuddle with him. All night and day I wish he could look at me the way he does with his partners.

The truth is that, the thing I want the most in this world is being loved. Being loved by Phil Lester, because I actually love him.

For the first time in my life I'm hopelessly in love, and it feels great.

"Do you want some coffee? I need to take walk"

Phil's P.O.V.

It turned out that Max did called back. He said he felt something different about me, that I was special. I kept my distance, for some reason I thought our relationship could be resumed on him being like "Hi dude I'm Bi and I'm really cool because of that but I get grossed out when it come to have sex with a guy". Maybe I was being mean and he was just not ready yet.

Besides the fact that we remained sexless, the thing we had was cute, on the surface at least. He was a really nice guy, he taught me about art and music. He gave me presents without reason and was super caring.

I liked hanging out with him but I couldn't help thinking I could be with someone I could relate more, Kinda like Dan but gayer. Still I liked him.

After only a few weeks, it turned out he wasn't that sweet.

With Max I grew bored quickly, with all his smart (but not really) talk, his big fat hypocrisy towards my friends and the even bigger one he had for his own friends. I'm weird, I know but he behaved like I was retarded, sometimes I felt he was embarrassed.

No way I could stand someone like that. He was no fun at all. So we broke up. With that, I mean I dumped him.

One night, after going to an art gallery, we had a fight. The whole night he had been ignoring me until I started to chat with a girl who seemed nice. That, for some reason, got him extremely mad. He literally dragged me out of the gallery and yelled at me. He called me a whore, who could not resist to a pretty girl. I stayed silent, I didn't wanted to fight. I just said that it was nothing but it wouldn't happen again. He kissed me on the cheek and said he was sorry. The rest of the evening I was by myself, I didn't want to upset him.

Afterwards, he drove me to the flat. I kissed him passionately, he pulled closer. We went to my bedroom, where happened the same old thing. I gave him head, he tried to blow me too. He couldn't. We kept kissing until he backed off. I insinuated that maybe he wasn't Bi after all. That it wasn't something people choose. He went on with the same wasted "bisexuality is for everyone" speech. We got into a fight that ended up in him calling me "fucking fag" and me yelling "Something you couldn't do!" before he exited my flat.

The funny thing is that everyone seemed happy about it. Particularly Dan, who never liked him.

"I just couldn't stand watching you with such a preponderant asshole. You didn't even look good together."

Dan had never shown such... such hate towards someone I decided to date. Max could had loads of flaws, but he wasn't a repulsive as Dan made him look.

My spidey-senses told me there was sometHing Dan was hiding and it intrigued me. Maybe Max hit on him. Maybe he caught him cheating. He didn't have the heart Max was cheating on me and he treated bad because of that, o r maybe he was into Max... even though Dan is the most straight guy Know. The most logical thing would be that Dan had that macho jealousy when another dominant male is around, just like lions. No, Dan rarely cared about it.

There was a mystery and I was decided to find it out.


	7. Chapter 7

_I recommend listening to: "Helena" by The misfits_

For my second year at school Simone was gone, not only from my life but from school too, she was offered a scholarship somewhere, I really didn't want to know. At the end of first year we weren't that close. I was really hurt.

The girls seemed to be more interested in me, particularly first graders. I thought it was a bit pedobearish to bang them, but I still did it. They made some noise on the silence Simone left.

Between all of them there was Jenna.

I met Jenna a week before classes officially were started, when I was on the garden, just observing everyone else and resting under a tree's shadow. She sat next to me and said:

"Please act normally"

She stank to alcohol and tear stains were on her cheeks. I didn't understood

"What's happening? What's wrong?"

"I just don't want to be here and if my brother founds out I'm drunk he's gonna get pissed"

"So let's go hide somewhere"

I knew her brother. He was a guy everyone was afraid of, he was huge, intimidating and a bit psycho. He and his friends were real douches and enjoyed causing harm.

As I said it, I took her to the main building's rooftop, just as Simone had done with me, but this time it wasn't subtle or romantic. I fucked her right there. Jenna captured my interest because of one important reason; She looked like a younger Simone with a more average beauty.

She had wavy auburn hair, pale skin she didn't have freckles and had the same plumpy lips but redder. The eyes were blue too but a darker one and without brown. She had amazingly long lashes that made her eye look even bigger. She was really pretty and everyone noticed it. All guys wanted her. Some of them really badly. Her brother didn't like me. He was on my year and knew about my reputation. His eyes gave me the meanest looks.

When we got to the rooftop she asked:

"You look sad too. Are you ok?"

"Its nothing. I'm always like this" I lied. "Some people feel sad, on the other hand I AM sad"

We talked a little more, she fell for me on that very moment. I had my doubts about her. For me, she was dumber than Simone but a bit smarter than the rest of the girls. She wasn't that special.

She turned down guys because of me. I still slept with every other girl who asked for it. We were in a relationship but not really, she was mine and I was more hers than I was for the other girls. She knew it and it hurt her deeply. She wanted me as her knight in shining armor. I only liked her because she reminded me of Simone.

She was interesting and funny but she always was automatically compared to Simone in my mind, even if I didn't want to. She was under a shadow.

She said she loved me. She said she loved me because of my eternal sadness and melancholy. My nihilism made her go crazy. That was another reason why I didn't liked her. She was immature and didn't know what love meant. I didn't want her to love me.

When it came to sex, when we first did it, she was a virgin but she learnt quickly. At first it was really enjoyable, but as time passed she started to develop weird tendencies. She was into sadomasochism without even knowing it. She would bit me until I bled. She dug her nails on my back so hard my skin was on a perpetual state of bright pink. She choked me. She liked I bit her lips until they were literally purple. She liked me biting when I did oral. She liked all kind of perverted things that I found quite worrying. One day she asked me to hit her. That was it. I didn't want to be involved on her sick practice. I told her I didn't want to see her again. She started crying. Tears were falling on her naked body, she said she needed me. I responded by walking away. She got closer, still crying she took my hand and started slapping her face. I wasn't pleased with the idea but I didn't stop her. I stood there, still, watching her face get redder and redder. She looked into my eyes and smiled, it sickend me.

After that night I ignored her.

A month after she took some pills, trying to kill herself. She went to the hospital and then she got into a psychiatric one. Her doctor called telling me she wanted to see me. I didn't visit her. She was crazy bitch and I didn't want to be involved with her.

Some days after that call, her brother came to talk to me. He was really mean. He said I spoiled her sister just as I spoiled every girl I touched. That I was dickhead. That her sister was a very sensitive girl that needed someone who cared about her, not a sex addict that was to idiotic to realize when a girl truly loved him and other insults that went the same way. I didn't try to correct him because he wasn't wrong, I was all that and more.

After screaming at me for several minutes, he started to punch me. He punched me on the stomach taking my breath away. I was on my knees and then the crazy happened; He got on his knees too, took my face in his huge troll hands and whispered into my ear with his nasty breath and his annoying voice " You don't know how much I've been waiting for this" and then he kissed me. Rough and violent. My lips hurt but I was too tired to pull away. My body hurt and I had a hard time keeping my head up. His hands were wandering around my body and I couldn't stop him, I couldn't move or speak. I was about to cry. By work of magic he stopped. He pulled away from my face and punched me again, repeatedly. Finally he said "you can say I hit you but if you tell anyone anything else, you are a deadman Howell" and then he left my room. I stood there in pain until somebody realized I was missing. They took me to the hospital immediately. I had lost an unbelievable amount of blood and the punches on my stomach looked worrying. I stayed there for two Weeks and I never told anyone who was the responsible of my wounds.

Jenna's parents took away their kids. Nobody at school knew anything about them anymore. Mr. and Mrs. Chenski are two persons I would never like to meet. Because they probably think I ruined their children but mostly because I don't know what they did to raise such messed up individuals.

The worst thing about all that thing that happened is that I actually deserved it. It made me think that I should change my ways, get a girlfriend, be stable, be honest. Love completely.


	8. Chapter 8

After Dennis and I had that talk we went on a phase, that I like to think was the only one, were I was, well... "whoring". I'm not proud of this period of my life. I lost my gay virginity with a guy that didn't meant anything at all. I met him in a filthy bar and I never saw him again. I think I didn't even asked his name!

Every weekend the routine would be the same. Dennis would pick me up in his big fancy car around 9 pm. We would drive somewhere we knew there were gay guys. We would hang out around until someone guy flirted with one of us. We would go with that someone, sometimes to hotels, sometimes to their houses, sometimes it would happen in public bathrooms or alleys. Then I would have to find my way to my house at 4 am from wherever I was, with a headache and the worry of Dennis being with a stranger. Swearing I would never do it again. The next day I would hang out with my friend talking about how the night before went. Then do it all over again the next weekend.

At that time I didn't care that much about them or how good they were or how handsome or anything at all. I just wanted to get rid of that nervousness, because, having sex with strangers in alleyways wasn't pleasant. I had moral dilemmas all the time. That wasn't the way I was raised! I couldn't sleep, I was in a perpetual state of "I don't know what to do with my life". I disgusted myself, but the only moment of my week when I didn't worry was when I was under the embrace of a random stranger.

My friend, on the other hand, was having the time of his life. He enjoyed being with different people every weekend. He enjoyed the reaction he caused on them being so young yet so experienced, that being one of the perks of the lifestyle we were having. He enjoyed everything about it, while I hated every single piece.

I didn't want to amaze guys being experienced. I didn't want to have a different person every time. I didn't want to, that was it.

A weekend, tired of our routine, I went over Dennis' house before he went over mine, expecting to do the same thing.

He opened the door full of surprise when he saw me standing outside. I had to tell him it was killing me.

"Sup, bro?" He never got rid of that Jock slang

"not much, It's just that I don't want to do the same thing we have been doing. It's not fun anymore. I feel like a whore" I said all at once, pouting.

His gray eyes got big, as they usually did whenever we had a serious talk. He laughed.

"Oh man! I'm sick of it too! I only kept doing it because I thought you were enjoying yourself!"

I laughed too and I gave him a light hug.

"I thought exactly the same!"

That night we decided to stay at his house, playing some games, eating popcorn and just hanging around. Until I said something I has been thinking but I was too afraid to say out loud.

"You know? I would like to have a boyfriend."

"Sounds nice" he answered without taking his eyes off of the screen. "Do you like someone in particular?"

"Not really, but it would be nice to have something stable, someone to share my life and things like that, you know."

He paused his game, stared at me and said

"I do like someone... Phil, I really like you."

I felt my cheeks getting redder than an apple, my pupils widening and my mouth drying.

"Before we were friends, I had a huge crush on you" I said "But you were the stereotypical guy, with the pretty girlfriend and the homophobic friends. Hearing you say that... blows my mind!"

He laughed like he usually did before whenever he said a really bad innuendo

"I can blow you other things as well"

He winked and I throwed a pillow at him laughing.

"Hey! Im putting my heart in a silver platter for you! Don't make lame jokes"

We started to fight playfully, when he quickly pecked my lips. I did the same, we got lost in each others eyes for a while before we keep on fighting a little more.

After an improvised dinner, (that was mostly sweets) we went up to his room that I knew so well. When I first met him, it was full of basketball player postrers and nude girls posters here and there too. Messy, green and full of school assignments randomly sitting anywhere. It, for some reason, gave me the weird feeling of being in a cheap tv show set. It felt fake, but gradually became to what I was in front of, it was still really green, still really messy but it felt real. The pictures he had taken were everywhere; some of them hanging on the wall, some of them laying in his desk, even some of them were in the floor. He had a small collection of cameras. He also had bought books about photography and other things of his interest. His old postrers were nowhere to be seen.

He broke my daydream. He placed his hands around my waist and his chin rested on my shoulder. I felt his breath on my ear and his heartbeat on my back.

I smiled and turned around to face him. We kissed gently, he pulled me closer, I felt him growing hard, i felt me doing the same. He was smiling as we kissed, it made me happy.

He broke the kiss so I could take off his shirt, I wondered around his abdomen, perfectly sculpted, skinny yet muscular. He took my shirt and placed a kiss on my pale chest.

We got rid of our Jeans and underwear. We kept making out and then we made love, actually made love, not just sex. It was so different to everything I had experienced before with other men. It wasn't like anything I had ever did before. It was slow but amazingly orgasmic. Being inside him, him being inside me. We took our time. He was everything I wanted in that very moment.

When we finished, I hugged him and he pulled the covers over us. He looked into my eyes and said

"Are we boyfriend and boyfriend, then?"

I smiled for the thousandth time that night and said

"as long as you want"

Dennis and I lasted as a couple for two years and a half. We did everything together and never got tired of the other until we did. It was really nice while it worked. We were meant for each other until we weren't.

That kind of long term relationships have this thing, you like and love this person until you simply get bored, it gets old and when it is over, you just remember the good times without feeling nostalgia or anything at all. It's just the memory of something that happened.


	9. Chapter 9

These last days have been really... interesting. Max have called like a thousand times apologizing, I answered it was ok, but I didn't want to be with him anymore.

I've been trying to keep myself busy to push unwanted thoughts out of my mind, doing crafts, drawing and reading but anyways Dan have kept me busy without even wanting to, he is acting really weird and it worries me.

The other day, he asked me to go for a walk. A walk? Out of nowhere! When we got out of our building he started walking so fast I could barely follow. He looked everywhere, like he feared finding someone or something along those lines. At the coffee shop, We didn't said a word, usually he is really talkative. He was ignoring me. I didn't know what was the point of taking me with him if he was going to act in that way. That was only the beginning.

His habits became the complete opposite of how they were before. He used to stay at home and hang out playing videogames on his pjs all day, now he woke up really early, went out and didn't come back until real late. I barely saw him. I missed him.

Until one Sunday morning; I woke up, I did my routine, got some cereal and walked to the living room to watch TV. Only to find my friend lying on the floor, staring blankly at the ceiling. I looked at him for a while, but then I decided to do something. I pushed the coffee table and lied next to him.

"It's nice to see you again Dan. Why you didn't go out today?"

I asked. He rolled slowly his head so he could see me with more ease. His stare was cold and confused.

"I just got back. I stayed with Leslie."

He finally said, finishing with a long sigh.

Leslie was probably the only person Dan still hanged out from high school. Their friendship was something really strong, sometimes I get jealous he doesn't trusts me as he trusts her. I know, I know, it is childish.

She was the friend Dan went to see when something was really, REALLY wrong, she came to Dan for the same motives. There were no judgments, no advise, just plain listening, that works for them.

The reason why she's still a friend and nothing more is quite simple: She is full on lesbian and finds Dan as attractive as a teddy bear. But I also think they see each other more like brothers.

She is the one reason that made him change his ways too. I dint know what she did but If I think Dan's behavior is bad right now, at high school was ten times worst.

He appreciates her a lot, I do too.

"Why are you so worried? Can I help you?"

I said, hopping he became the joyful kid he had always been.

Dan's P.O.V.

I've been here for half an hour, with her, sitting in front of me, staring and waiting patiently. I can't start, I just can't. There are some sentences you can't get your throat to produce their sounds. "I think I'm gay" being one of those. I don't understand why. They are words and nothing more. Maybe the social connotation is stronger that I thought.

She is playing with her blonde hair while she drinks her tea. A smirk forms in her face as she places the cup on the table. She finally speaks:

"I have a thing to propose to you, because you aren't speaking... "

I nod "If I guess what's wrong, we go out and get drunk in a parking lot"

God, she knows how I hated that! When were younger, we did that. I founded it so embarrassing, I'm not sure why. I'm forced to start.

I sat more comfortably and I started my story, of how I fell for my best friend.

How he is the most handsome man on earth and that my world gets brighter when he smiles. I told her how I got ridiculously jealous when he got a boyfriend. I said how I didn't care about anyone else but him. I confessed that all I wanted was to be with him for the rest of my life.

She listened all I said, she didn't said anything when I paused. She knew the hurtful stuff was still inside.

Then I told the story of how he thought I was a polygamous brat. I told her how he never looked at me in any other way that wasn't friendship. I said that I was afraid of not being enough for him. I confessed that I was nervous of being gay.

After we pushed that emotional crap of the way, I also told her about my lack of sleep and bad nutritional habits.

When we finally were enjoying ourselves, making jokes and remembering fun anecdotes, her annoying girlfriend got home drunk (which makes her act even more annoying) , that meant I had to go. She doesn't like me, let's say... we, we met before she found out she a lesbian. I don't like her because Leslie could be with someone way cooler.

As my friend walked me to the door she said:

"Just be honest, bro"

She have me a bearhug and then we parted our ways.

Through my way home, I did something I had never gave me permission to do; I fantasized about me, me being with Phil. That led me to think about telling the truth and spilling my feelings right in front of him. Destiny is a bitch. Igot to my shared flat at 2.30 am but Phil was already aslept.

The time I had to think about what I was about to do did nothing but fill my head with insecure thoughts. Crap.

I stayed in the living room, lying on the floor, without moving, panicking quietly. The ceiling calmed me.

Phil and I spent the first night we had at flat on this very room, unable to sleep. We said outrageous things, goofing around until Phil spotted two shadows that the window let in. They were produced by a light source we never found. Phil said "That's like our friendship. We don't know were it came from nor were it is going but is there and it isn't going away".

If Phil managed to say something so cheesy about friendship, it meant he wouldn't be that prone to throw it away because of my stupid feelings.

Morning couldn't arrive any slower.


	10. Chapter 10

For my third and last year of high school I dared to ask my dad if I could assist to a different one, one near home, one where I didn't have to live in, he said ok and sent me to a high school at my hometown.

This was a big deal, that meant my dad was feeling better. He sent me far away because my mum left him. I reminded him too much of her, so, he got rid of me.

On vacation I hanged out a bit with him and his girlfriend, an architect 8 year younger than him that made awesome pancakes. But mostly I hanged out by myself. Being around my home felt weird after so much time, after so much story. I felt like a kid again.

When the time of getting back to school arrived I had made up my mind. I was going to be a well behaved student and I was going to get a girl and have a serious relationship and shit.

The first day went ok, I met nice people, I had nice teachers, It was nice to have a fresh start. But something didn't want me accomplish my plans.

On my first class I sat next to a girl who was quietly playing with her pen. She was slim and tall, really pale, with brown greenish eyes and prominent cheek bones. She was smiling to herself.

"Hi! Is this seat taken?" I asked,trying to start conversation.

"Nope, I don't think so" She looked at me with curiosity. "Are you new?"

With that few words was enough to know she was really cool. Her name was Leslie Green. She enjoyed making people mad and causing mischief. She was really smart and a total misfit who was proud of being that. She would use flannel shirts that were like 4 sizes bigger than they should and ripped skinny jeans. Secretly, she was really sweet, a total dreamer, but she liked being a bad girl.

Together we went to smoke joints on a hidden tree, to get drunk anywhere and all kinds of destroying activities, but rare enough, we also went to museums, music festivals and peaceful things every parent would be happy to know their kid did for pleasure.

She was my best friend, she still is. She was the only person I trusted. She knew most of my life and I knew most of hers. We both had our secrets, that sooner than later came to evidence.

Bianca McLorin was a girl I liked. She was in my drama class and I thought she was alright. She had ebony hair, dark blue eyes and red lips. I don't really remember that much of her, only that I thought she could be a nice girlfriend. She was pretty average.

One day Leslie waited for me after my lesson and she saw me talking to Bianca. Afterwards she made a lot of questions about her, I told her everything I knew. Suddenly, I started to find it weird that Leslie showed up when I had drama, because, she used to pick me up sometimes, but at that time, it was every single class.

Bianca finally got all the signs that I had been sending telling that I liked her. She kissed me when everyone was leaving. Leslie saw us from her usual place, sitting on the floor, waiting for me. I'll never forget her face, her eyes and mouth wide open. A tear falling down her cheek. She got up as fast as humanly possible and ran away. Everything happened so quickly that I couldn't react.

That day Bianca became my first girlfriend ever.

I couldn't find Leslie anywhere. She wasn't at school, nor at her house or the park. I found her at the tree where we smoked. She was crying, her pretty face was bright red and full of tear stains.

"What happend with Bianca?" She said as greeting.

I told the truth. She said something like "Oh cool" and then walked away. I tried to follow but she got mad. She yelled me to fuck off. I got offended.

"What's your fucking problem? Why are you so jealous of her?" I screamed.

"Do you want me? Is that it?"

She looked at me with embarrassment. "You don't get a thing, you fucking virgin" She said calmly. She walked away and I did too.

We didn't talked to each other for months. In which my relationship with Bianca got more formal and serious. It was ok if you don't count that I cheated on her anytime I had the chance. Turns out I grew bored of her quickly and my neighbor was pretty fit. My idea of having a truthful relationship was falling apart. I enjoyed sex too much to just quit. She somehow found out, she broke up with me saying

"You are mean"

After that, Leslie and her turned best friends. That pissed me off, A LOT. I tried to talk about it with Leslie. She told me to fuck off; again.

One day, they stopped hanging out. I found Leslie crying on the tree; again. I went to comfort her.

"What's wrong Leslie?" I said, hugging her.

Turns out Leslie didn't like me. She liked Bianca, but she was too embarrassed to admit she was a lesbian so, she let me think we were mad at each other because she fancied me.

Turns out Bianca was a bit homophobic. When Leslie finally got over all the self-hate and confessed her feelings Bianca acted mean. She told the whole school my friend was in love with her, like it was a really funny joke. School didn't give a crap about it but Leslie felt really bad. That's how get secret got leaked.

What Bianca did got my nerves, She needed a lesson. What I did was quite simple. From our almost non existent sex life, we filmed a video, one were she acted like a fool. She punched me in the face accidentally, she fell over... She was really bad. That was a video that I sent to everyone I knew. That was something the whole school laughed at and that made girls want me. That's how my secret was leaked and I went back to my old habits.

Leslie went back to being my best friend. The girl that I trust completely. The girl that keeps me on track. Every time I'm about to act mean with a girl, I'll remember her teary eyes and her shaky voice saying:

"I would give my sight to have her in my arms but I can't. And then there are boys like you, who don't know what they have."


End file.
